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The Autumn Interviews, Part II

The first question-and-answer session with my wife, earlier this week, used questions from a variety of commenters. But all of the questions for part two come from Digger, who dedicated a post of his own to the cause. Once again, I read her the questions and typed the answers. Here we go:

1. Do you still read FTN’s blog regularly?

Not really. See answers in the last post.

2. Last year you said that you didn’t read all of his posts or sometimes he would tell you when there might be something you would be interested in reading. Why wouldn’t you read everything he wrote? I mean he’s sharing a lot of his thoughts and issues here. Wouldn’t you want to know as much as you could possibly know about him or do you think you already know everything there is to know about him?

That’s a good question. I figure he’s my husband, and we are very open with one another, and I would be hurt if he thought I needed to read an online blog to find out what he is thinking or feeling. It’s just not in my personality to read blogs. Quite honestly it’s just not how I want to spend my time.

3. A while back I shared the results from a temperament test that I took. (I’m an INTJ, BTW). Would you take the test and share yours?

Sure. [Results follow from the test.]

Autumn’s Type is ESTJ. She is a moderately expressed extrovert, a moderately expressed sensing personality, a moderately expressed thinking personality, and a very expressed judging personality.

“Supervisor Guardians” are squarely on the side of rules and procedures, and they can be quite serious about seeing to it that others toe the mark-or else face the consequences. They do not hesitate to give their stamp of approval, nor do they withhold their directions or suggestions for improvement. Like seasoned, stalwart umpires, Supervisors will set their jaw and make the call on anyone who steps up to bat. They even feel obligated to do so, and they’re sometimes surprised when others don’t seem grateful for being set straight.

Comprising at least ten percent of the population, Supervisors go by experience and that is what counts, not speculation and experimentation, and certainly not fantasy. They keep their feet firmly on the ground and make sure that those under their supervision do the same, whether employee, subordinate, offspring, or spouse. If others wish to fool around and daydream, fine, as long as they do it on their own time-which means after the job is done. But if they fritter away their time while on duty, they should not be surprised when the Supervisor calls them on the carpet. The top sergeant will not put up with such nonsense.

ESTJs are joiners. They seek out like-minded companions in clubs, civic groups, churches and other service organizations. The need for belonging is woven into the fiber of SJs. The family likewise is a central focus for ESTJs, and attendance at such events as weddings, funerals and family reunions is obligatory.

ESTJs have an acute sense for orthodoxy. Much of their evaluation of persons and activities reflects their strong sense of what is “normal” and what isn’t. ESTJ humor is frequently centered around something or someone being off center or behaving abnormally.

Note from FTN: I am an ENTJ, by the way (”FieldMarshalls”). I’ve known this for a long time, because it was a long-running joke back in college with a friend of mine that was also an ENTJ. According to the test, I’m a very expressed extrovert, a moderately expressed intuitive personality, a moderately expressed thinking personality, and a distinctively expressed judging personality.

ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshall and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader (Sweet! I’ve always wanted to have my own compound!). The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan.

ENTJs are often “larger than life” in describing their projects or proposals. This ability may be expressed as salesmanship, story-telling facility or stand-up comedy. In combination with the natural propensity for filibuster, our hero can make it very difficult for the customer to decline.

ENTJs are decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows. Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell. When challenged, the ENTJ may by reflex become argumentative. Alternatively he may unleash an icy gaze that serves notice: the ENTJ is not one to be trifled with. (I’m totally working on my icy gaze right now.)

4. Are you still a stay-at-home mother full-time? Do you ever think about going back into the workforce? What would you like to do when the kids reach school age?

I’m still a stay-at-home mom. I imagine I’ll probably go back into the work force once the kids are both in school, but it is not something that I really *want* to do. It will probably be needed at some point. I’m not sure right now what type of work I’d like to do. I’ll probably lean towards something that works for us schedule-wise, rather than something I really want to do.

5. Okay, time to get into the sex stuff. Just to let you know ahead of time, because it seems like where sex is concerned, you hate surprises. So take a breath. #5 contains no questions, sexual or otherwise.

6. We’ll start easy: how many times a day (on average) do you think about sex? Is there anything in particular (apart from FTN, of course) that might cue your mind up?

I’d say besides times when I’m talking about sex with FTN, I don’t think about sex. I might think about what we’re doing later, and think, “oh, we’re having sex tonight. I should try to be open-minded to whatever he wants to do.”

7. Supposing FTN says that he’d like to have sex with you the day after tomorrow. Is that enough notice? What goes through your mind next: “Oh goodie!” or “Again, already?”

I would say two days is more than enough notice. Depending on what else we have going on that evening, I would think, oh, that would be nice to do that night. It’s mostly a timing thing, depending on what else we have planned in the evening.

8. This scheduling business with the two of you seems extraordinarily odd. I mean you are not only scheduling when but also what and how! So how much detail is preplanned: positions, length of session, flavor of body butter, toys to be used? How much of a menu does FTN have from which to choose? Are there things that you make totally off limits?

Here’s an example of what might happen: It’s Monday night, and one of us might say to the other one, “Would you like to make love tomorrow night?” Then if we say yes, that is usually all that is planned out about it. Or if we say no, we might decide on perhaps the next night. Generally I would only say no if we are very busy the next night and we are going to be out late, and I would rather do it on a night when we are not quite as busy. I don’t think there is anything that is completely off-limits, but FTN knows that there are some things I would prefer not to do. But I would be willing to try them if it really meant a lot to him, for me to do them.

9. When are you going to give oral sex a shot? I mean a real fair chance, not just a single “I-tried-it-and-it-was-icky” session? I’m talking about both the giving and receiving, here.

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

10. One of the things that you were praying for last year was that FTN would know that you still found him attractive while not really being overly sexual. What are some other ways that you let him know that he is attractive?

I try to give him compliments so that I’m telling him I find him physically attractive.

11. FTN is like some sort of paid cheerleader for counseling. However, it doesn’t seem to have done you two a lot of good. Can you name anything specific that counseling helped you with that has improved you and FTN’s relationship today?

No, I can’t really think of anything that ours in particular helped us with. I don’t think I got anything out of it except for maybe a bunch of antidepressant pills. It was a long time ago, and I have trouble remembering details about it.

12. You promised FTN some sort of romantic thing for Christmas. Have you done it yet?

Yes. [See FTN's comment here.]

13. What sort of advice would you give a young woman who was contemplating marriage?

Pray pray pray. I really don’t think I’m a good person to give someone advice about it. I would definitely advise them to go through premarriage counseling in order to have someone guide them through what issues they should talk about before they get married. Some people wait until after they are married to discuss important things like kids, finances, sex, careers, who is going to work outside the home, that type of thing.

14. Looking back over your marriage, what would you differently if you were starting over again?

I would have tried to be as open in our communication about sex as I am now, even though I’m still not nearly as open as we’d like me to be. I think I’m more open now than I was when we first got married. Overall, I’m very happy with the way our marriage has progressed. If we would have had the choice, I probably would have held off on having children a little bit longer.

15. Last one: What’s your favorite Bible verse and why?

I’d have to say my favorite passage is Psalm 139. I even wrote a song around it in college. The Psalms are of special interest to me because they are songs. Many are written by David, who was a director of music. This one is about how deeply God knows us. He made me, he searches my heart, he knows every little thing that I do, and when I read this Psalm, it just reminds me how big God is and how big eternity is compared to what I’m going through here. When I get caught up in the piddly things of life (like preschool tantrums or cracker crumbs on the floor) it helps me gain perspective on the big picture of eternity compared to the small things that are going on here.

*End of questions!*

Notes from FTN: I tried my hardest not to interject and put in my own commentary on the questions or answers. (Other than the Myers-Briggs test, because I thought it would be helpful to see both of our personality types.) There were a couple of places in which her answers could have provoked a discussion or debate between us, but I generally managed to keep quiet so I wouldn’t in any way influence her answers. Everyone hears me ramble all the time, so I can shut up for a little while.

Not for very long though. You’ll be stuck hearing from me again in no time.

The Autumn Interviews, Part II

The first question-and-answer session with my wife, earlier this week, used questions from a variety of commenters. But all of the questions for part two come from Digger, who dedicated a post of his own to the cause. Once again, I read her the questions and typed the answers. Here we go:

1. Do you still read FTN’s blog regularly?

Not really. See answers in the last post.

2. Last year you said that you didn’t read all of his posts or sometimes he would tell you when there might be something you would be interested in reading. Why wouldn’t you read everything he wrote? I mean he’s sharing a lot of his thoughts and issues here. Wouldn’t you want to know as much as you could possibly know about him or do you think you already know everything there is to know about him?

That’s a good question. I figure he’s my husband, and we are very open with one another, and I would be hurt if he thought I needed to read an online blog to find out what he is thinking or feeling. It’s just not in my personality to read blogs. Quite honestly it’s just not how I want to spend my time.

3. A while back I shared the results from a temperament test that I took. (I’m an INTJ, BTW). Would you take the test and share yours?

Sure. [Results follow from the test.]

Autumn’s Type is ESTJ. She is a moderately expressed extrovert, a moderately expressed sensing personality, a moderately expressed thinking personality, and a very expressed judging personality.

“Supervisor Guardians” are squarely on the side of rules and procedures, and they can be quite serious about seeing to it that others toe the mark-or else face the consequences. They do not hesitate to give their stamp of approval, nor do they withhold their directions or suggestions for improvement. Like seasoned, stalwart umpires, Supervisors will set their jaw and make the call on anyone who steps up to bat. They even feel obligated to do so, and they’re sometimes surprised when others don’t seem grateful for being set straight.

Comprising at least ten percent of the population, Supervisors go by experience and that is what counts, not speculation and experimentation, and certainly not fantasy. They keep their feet firmly on the ground and make sure that those under their supervision do the same, whether employee, subordinate, offspring, or spouse. If others wish to fool around and daydream, fine, as long as they do it on their own time-which means after the job is done. But if they fritter away their time while on duty, they should not be surprised when the Supervisor calls them on the carpet. The top sergeant will not put up with such nonsense.

ESTJs are joiners. They seek out like-minded companions in clubs, civic groups, churches and other service organizations. The need for belonging is woven into the fiber of SJs. The family likewise is a central focus for ESTJs, and attendance at such events as weddings, funerals and family reunions is obligatory.

ESTJs have an acute sense for orthodoxy. Much of their evaluation of persons and activities reflects their strong sense of what is “normal” and what isn’t. ESTJ humor is frequently centered around something or someone being off center or behaving abnormally.

Note from FTN: I am an ENTJ, by the way (”FieldMarshalls”). I’ve known this for a long time, because it was a long-running joke back in college with a friend of mine that was also an ENTJ. According to the test, I’m a very expressed extrovert, a moderately expressed intuitive personality, a moderately expressed thinking personality, and a distinctively expressed judging personality.

ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshall and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader (Sweet! I’ve always wanted to have my own compound!). The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan.

ENTJs are often “larger than life” in describing their projects or proposals. This ability may be expressed as salesmanship, story-telling facility or stand-up comedy. In combination with the natural propensity for filibuster, our hero can make it very difficult for the customer to decline.

ENTJs are decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows. Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell. When challenged, the ENTJ may by reflex become argumentative. Alternatively he may unleash an icy gaze that serves notice: the ENTJ is not one to be trifled with. (I’m totally working on my icy gaze right now.)

4. Are you still a stay-at-home mother full-time? Do you ever think about going back into the workforce? What would you like to do when the kids reach school age?

I’m still a stay-at-home mom. I imagine I’ll probably go back into the work force once the kids are both in school, but it is not something that I really *want* to do. It will probably be needed at some point. I’m not sure right now what type of work I’d like to do. I’ll probably lean towards something that works for us schedule-wise, rather than something I really want to do.

5. Okay, time to get into the sex stuff. Just to let you know ahead of time, because it seems like where sex is concerned, you hate surprises. So take a breath. #5 contains no questions, sexual or otherwise.

6. We’ll start easy: how many times a day (on average) do you think about sex? Is there anything in particular (apart from FTN, of course) that might cue your mind up?

I’d say besides times when I’m talking about sex with FTN, I don’t think about sex. I might think about what we’re doing later, and think, “oh, we’re having sex tonight. I should try to be open-minded to whatever he wants to do.”

7. Supposing FTN says that he’d like to have sex with you the day after tomorrow. Is that enough notice? What goes through your mind next: “Oh goodie!” or “Again, already?”

I would say two days is more than enough notice. Depending on what else we have going on that evening, I would think, oh, that would be nice to do that night. It’s mostly a timing thing, depending on what else we have planned in the evening.

8. This scheduling business with the two of you seems extraordinarily odd. I mean you are not only scheduling when but also what and how! So how much detail is preplanned: positions, length of session, flavor of body butter, toys to be used? How much of a menu does FTN have from which to choose? Are there things that you make totally off limits?

Here’s an example of what might happen: It’s Monday night, and one of us might say to the other one, “Would you like to make love tomorrow night?” Then if we say yes, that is usually all that is planned out about it. Or if we say no, we might decide on perhaps the next night. Generally I would only say no if we are very busy the next night and we are going to be out late, and I would rather do it on a night when we are not quite as busy. I don’t think there is anything that is completely off-limits, but FTN knows that there are some things I would prefer not to do. But I would be willing to try them if it really meant a lot to him, for me to do them.

9. When are you going to give oral sex a shot? I mean a real fair chance, not just a single “I-tried-it-and-it-was-icky” session? I’m talking about both the giving and receiving, here.

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

10. One of the things that you were praying for last year was that FTN would know that you still found him attractive while not really being overly sexual. What are some other ways that you let him know that he is attractive?

I try to give him compliments so that I’m telling him I find him physically attractive.

11. FTN is like some sort of paid cheerleader for counseling. However, it doesn’t seem to have done you two a lot of good. Can you name anything specific that counseling helped you with that has improved you and FTN’s relationship today?

No, I can’t really think of anything that ours in particular helped us with. I don’t think I got anything out of it except for maybe a bunch of antidepressant pills. It was a long time ago, and I have trouble remembering details about it.

12. You promised FTN some sort of romantic thing for Christmas. Have you done it yet?

Yes. [See FTN's comment here.]

13. What sort of advice would you give a young woman who was contemplating marriage?

Pray pray pray. I really don’t think I’m a good person to give someone advice about it. I would definitely advise them to go through premarriage counseling in order to have someone guide them through what issues they should talk about before they get married. Some people wait until after they are married to discuss important things like kids, finances, sex, careers, who is going to work outside the home, that type of thing.

14. Looking back over your marriage, what would you differently if you were starting over again?

I would have tried to be as open in our communication about sex as I am now, even though I’m still not nearly as open as we’d like me to be. I think I’m more open now than I was when we first got married. Overall, I’m very happy with the way our marriage has progressed. If we would have had the choice, I probably would have held off on having children a little bit longer.

15. Last one: What’s your favorite Bible verse and why?

I’d have to say my favorite passage is Psalm 139. I even wrote a song around it in college. The Psalms are of special interest to me because they are songs. Many are written by David, who was a director of music. This one is about how deeply God knows us. He made me, he searches my heart, he knows every little thing that I do, and when I read this Psalm, it just reminds me how big God is and how big eternity is compared to what I’m going through here. When I get caught up in the piddly things of life (like preschool tantrums or cracker crumbs on the floor) it helps me gain perspective on the big picture of eternity compared to the small things that are going on here.

*End of questions!*

Notes from FTN: I tried my hardest not to interject and put in my own commentary on the questions or answers. (Other than the Myers-Briggs test, because I thought it would be helpful to see both of our personality types.) There were a couple of places in which her answers could have provoked a discussion or debate between us, but I generally managed to keep quiet so I wouldn’t in any way influence her answers. Everyone hears me ramble all the time, so I can shut up for a little while.

Not for very long though. You’ll be stuck hearing from me again in no time.

The Autumn Interviews, Part I

On Saturday afternoon, I sat down on the couch in the living room, laptop computer in hand (or, in lap, whatever), and coerced Autumn into answering the questions from the Second Annual Ask Autumn Anything Week (SAAAW, for short). I think it was a bit easier for her to answer the questions because I typed her answers out for her. Consider this to be an interview style post — I asked the questions that you had left in the comments, and she answered them vocally. I tried really hard to not argue or debate some of her answers.

Even when I completely disagreed with what she said.

Because, you know, I’m a patient and understanding guy that would never debate or argue with what my wife says she is thinking.

What follows is the transcript of that discussion. Feel free to imagine the rolled eyes, sighs, and snickers that we may have been making at each other at the time of the conversation.

Regarding musical talent/training: I play violin and piano, and I sing. I studied violin through college and got a degree in music.

Do you have a blog? No.

Do you read FTN’s blog? Usually only when he shows me something that he wants me to read. I don’t generally read blogs at all.

How do you feel about it? It’s hard to put into words. For the most part, it doesn’t bother me that he has a blog. Sometimes it does bother me, how much information he shares. And when I do read some of the comments (which is pretty rare), sometimes it bothers me to read what some people say they think I am feeling or thinking.

If you could be any animal… I don’t know. A penguin, I suppose. I like penguins.

Does he really have an eleven-inch… That’s between he and I. [FTN adds a snicker here.]

How do you balance being a mom with being a woman? I definitely don’t consider myself to be the typical “Mom.” I don’t only define myself as being a mom, and I’m involved in many things outside of taking care of the children. We spend a lot of time hanging out with our friends. I go to the gym nearly every day, where they have childcare, and I can be alone for an hour and a half. Also, I’m involved in a lot of activities at church that don’t involve the children. Some of these are women’s events, music, things like that.

What’s the most annoying thing that FTN does? The number of times he sneezes in a row. It can be really annoying in the middle of the night, because it can be up to 10 times in a row. I’m happy that something that trivial is the most annoying thing about him.

Has the fact that FTN has been blogging for well over a year now, posting about his goal of no masturbation or porn, improved anything for you? I mean are you happy that he loves you enough to do that for you?

Yes. I don’t know if it’s done anything for me, because I didn’t know he was doing those things before the blog. By the time he told me that he struggled with those things, he had stopped for awhile. But yes I am happy that he chose to refrain from those things.

How do you feel about him being in the Real World Blogger House with the other ladies? Especially since they were very intent on certain things with him.

I haven’t read any of those posts, so I guess I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

Have you figured out what was in the briefcase in FTN’s dream? Once again, I have no idea what you are talking about. Should I be concerned?

Do you ever get curious about the backgrounds of some of the people that comment on your husbands blog? Or at least to the posts that you read. Do you ever check out their sites to see where they are coming from?

No, I’ve never checked out their sites. If I’m curious, I’ll ask FTN for a little bit of information, but I don’t go to their sites and read.

what do you make of your husbands comments on his blog? By reading them you must realize his frustrations/ unhappiness/ etc. as well as the sometimes vitriolic comments we anonymous bloggers make about YOU. How does that make you feel? To me it’s like reading a personal diary and thinking “ohhhh shit”. But you are married to this man. You know how he feels…so do you intend on modifying your behaviours as a result of knowing how he feels?

First of all, I think it’s *you* that is thinking FTN is so completely unhappy. You keep saying in comments that he’s unhappy in the marriage, that we have irreconcilable differences, that we’re never having sex. All of that is just a bunch of generalizations on your part. We do have a good marriage, and we’ve already communicated about everything that has been written on the blog. Before it’s been written there. We are having sex on a regular basis. I think you have your own personal issues that you need to deal with, and you are pushing your own anger and assumptions onto us. It’s like FTN always says. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me. [FTN's note: Do I really say that?]

A lot of couples with differing sex drives and desires seem to drift apart, have affairs and end badly. You and FTN seem to manage much better than most. What do you attribute this to? And do you have any tips for those of us with low libido partners as to how we can encourage our partners to enjoy and be open to sex without applying too much pressure and becoming too annoying?

I don’t think that the issue in our marriage is how often we have sex. I think that a lot of times people go off and have affairs because they aren’t getting any. The issue with us is that I’m not feeling the amount of passion that we would like for me to have in our marriage. It has been improving over the past few years as the kids get older. And outside of sex, we have a wonderful relationship. We’re best friends, we communicate well, we laugh a lot, we have a lot of fun together.

As for your last question, I’d say just try to come to a compromise. FTN has been more willing to plan sex in advance, and I’ve been more willing to try new things. We’ve compromised by both going out of our comfort zone a little bit, and it has worked better for us.

Also, could you please rate FTN’s performance in the sack, from 0/10 for terrible and 10/10 for amazing, fantastic, mindblowing…

Of course I’d give him an 11. I don’t know what else to say. He’s sensitive to my needs and he seems to know what he’s doing.
Do you feel that FTN fairly represents both “sides” in his writing about your relationship?

Well since he’s the one that’s writing it, it is somewhat impossible to completely represent both sides fairly. I’m not saying that he completely misrepresents me, but of course we are going to have some different perspectives on things.

what do you feel are the greatest strengths in your marriage that have gotten you through some of the rougher times?

I would say our greatest strength is our sense of humor. Is that a strength? [FTN's note: This is where she started asking me questions, but being a good transcriptionist meant that I had to continue typing everything she said.] Is it? Don’t just type everything I say. I’m asking you! Stop typing! That’s enough! Stop it!

Well, we laugh a lot and we are generally a funny family. Also, because of our faith, we see the big picture moreso than some other couples might. Wait, what was the question? [FTN's note: See, she's lost again already.] We can see more humor in life because we know that this isn’t it. This life is going to be imperfect and we are going to have struggles. But we are a team, we are partners in life, and we plan on getting through it together. After we die, that’s really the beginning. We have eternity after that, which *will* be perfect.

We talk openly. We communicate. Even if it’s not about sex, we spend time talking to each other every day, and we spend a lot of time together.

Are you surprised by FTN’s blog? The topics he chooses to post about, the number of comments he always seems to receive, and the open way he writes about your sex life (probably a repeat but I am curious). Oh and also the diversity of the commenters.

When he first started the blog, I was surprised that people were actually reading it. I’m still surprised that people read it. It just seems strange that he could write stuff on the Internet and people would actually read it. That might be because I don’t read his blog much, and I just never have much interest in reading blogs at all.

Were you in fact relieved when FTN’s end-of-the-year romance session did not result in actual intercourse? If so, why?

I wouldn’t say I was relieved. But I was impressed that he would choose to end the evening that way for me. Because usually when we have a special date night or something like that, it does seem like it’s leading up to sex. So it was nice to have a night when I knew that everything he had planned out for me was just because he wanted to do something nice for me.

*End of Part I*

Tune in next time, when Autumn answers Digger’s extensive list of questions. And let me tell you, she was absolutely *thrilled* to see all of those.

The Autumn Interviews, Part I

On Saturday afternoon, I sat down on the couch in the living room, laptop computer in hand (or, in lap, whatever), and coerced Autumn into answering the questions from the Second Annual Ask Autumn Anything Week (SAAAW, for short). I think it was a bit easier for her to answer the questions because I typed her answers out for her. Consider this to be an interview style post — I asked the questions that you had left in the comments, and she answered them vocally. I tried really hard to not argue or debate some of her answers.

Even when I completely disagreed with what she said.

Because, you know, I’m a patient and understanding guy that would never debate or argue with what my wife says she is thinking.

What follows is the transcript of that discussion. Feel free to imagine the rolled eyes, sighs, and snickers that we may have been making at each other at the time of the conversation.

Regarding musical talent/training: I play violin and piano, and I sing. I studied violin through college and got a degree in music.

Do you have a blog? No.

Do you read FTN’s blog? Usually only when he shows me something that he wants me to read. I don’t generally read blogs at all.

How do you feel about it? It’s hard to put into words. For the most part, it doesn’t bother me that he has a blog. Sometimes it does bother me, how much information he shares. And when I do read some of the comments (which is pretty rare), sometimes it bothers me to read what some people say they think I am feeling or thinking.

If you could be any animal… I don’t know. A penguin, I suppose. I like penguins.

Does he really have an eleven-inch… That’s between he and I. [FTN adds a snicker here.]

How do you balance being a mom with being a woman? I definitely don’t consider myself to be the typical “Mom.” I don’t only define myself as being a mom, and I’m involved in many things outside of taking care of the children. We spend a lot of time hanging out with our friends. I go to the gym nearly every day, where they have childcare, and I can be alone for an hour and a half. Also, I’m involved in a lot of activities at church that don’t involve the children. Some of these are women’s events, music, things like that.

What’s the most annoying thing that FTN does? The number of times he sneezes in a row. It can be really annoying in the middle of the night, because it can be up to 10 times in a row. I’m happy that something that trivial is the most annoying thing about him.

Has the fact that FTN has been blogging for well over a year now, posting about his goal of no masturbation or porn, improved anything for you? I mean are you happy that he loves you enough to do that for you?

Yes. I don’t know if it’s done anything for me, because I didn’t know he was doing those things before the blog. By the time he told me that he struggled with those things, he had stopped for awhile. But yes I am happy that he chose to refrain from those things.

How do you feel about him being in the Real World Blogger House with the other ladies? Especially since they were very intent on certain things with him.

I haven’t read any of those posts, so I guess I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

Have you figured out what was in the briefcase in FTN’s dream? Once again, I have no idea what you are talking about. Should I be concerned?

Do you ever get curious about the backgrounds of some of the people that comment on your husbands blog? Or at least to the posts that you read. Do you ever check out their sites to see where they are coming from?

No, I’ve never checked out their sites. If I’m curious, I’ll ask FTN for a little bit of information, but I don’t go to their sites and read.

what do you make of your husbands comments on his blog? By reading them you must realize his frustrations/ unhappiness/ etc. as well as the sometimes vitriolic comments we anonymous bloggers make about YOU. How does that make you feel? To me it’s like reading a personal diary and thinking “ohhhh shit”. But you are married to this man. You know how he feels…so do you intend on modifying your behaviours as a result of knowing how he feels?

First of all, I think it’s *you* that is thinking FTN is so completely unhappy. You keep saying in comments that he’s unhappy in the marriage, that we have irreconcilable differences, that we’re never having sex. All of that is just a bunch of generalizations on your part. We do have a good marriage, and we’ve already communicated about everything that has been written on the blog. Before it’s been written there. We are having sex on a regular basis. I think you have your own personal issues that you need to deal with, and you are pushing your own anger and assumptions onto us. It’s like FTN always says. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me. [FTN's note: Do I really say that?]

A lot of couples with differing sex drives and desires seem to drift apart, have affairs and end badly. You and FTN seem to manage much better than most. What do you attribute this to? And do you have any tips for those of us with low libido partners as to how we can encourage our partners to enjoy and be open to sex without applying too much pressure and becoming too annoying?

I don’t think that the issue in our marriage is how often we have sex. I think that a lot of times people go off and have affairs because they aren’t getting any. The issue with us is that I’m not feeling the amount of passion that we would like for me to have in our marriage. It has been improving over the past few years as the kids get older. And outside of sex, we have a wonderful relationship. We’re best friends, we communicate well, we laugh a lot, we have a lot of fun together.

As for your last question, I’d say just try to come to a compromise. FTN has been more willing to plan sex in advance, and I’ve been more willing to try new things. We’ve compromised by both going out of our comfort zone a little bit, and it has worked better for us.

Also, could you please rate FTN’s performance in the sack, from 0/10 for terrible and 10/10 for amazing, fantastic, mindblowing…

Of course I’d give him an 11. I don’t know what else to say. He’s sensitive to my needs and he seems to know what he’s doing.
Do you feel that FTN fairly represents both “sides” in his writing about your relationship?

Well since he’s the one that’s writing it, it is somewhat impossible to completely represent both sides fairly. I’m not saying that he completely misrepresents me, but of course we are going to have some different perspectives on things.

what do you feel are the greatest strengths in your marriage that have gotten you through some of the rougher times?

I would say our greatest strength is our sense of humor. Is that a strength? [FTN's note: This is where she started asking me questions, but being a good transcriptionist meant that I had to continue typing everything she said.] Is it? Don’t just type everything I say. I’m asking you! Stop typing! That’s enough! Stop it!

Well, we laugh a lot and we are generally a funny family. Also, because of our faith, we see the big picture moreso than some other couples might. Wait, what was the question? [FTN's note: See, she's lost again already.] We can see more humor in life because we know that this isn’t it. This life is going to be imperfect and we are going to have struggles. But we are a team, we are partners in life, and we plan on getting through it together. After we die, that’s really the beginning. We have eternity after that, which *will* be perfect.

We talk openly. We communicate. Even if it’s not about sex, we spend time talking to each other every day, and we spend a lot of time together.

Are you surprised by FTN’s blog? The topics he chooses to post about, the number of comments he always seems to receive, and the open way he writes about your sex life (probably a repeat but I am curious). Oh and also the diversity of the commenters.

When he first started the blog, I was surprised that people were actually reading it. I’m still surprised that people read it. It just seems strange that he could write stuff on the Internet and people would actually read it. That might be because I don’t read his blog much, and I just never have much interest in reading blogs at all.

Were you in fact relieved when FTN’s end-of-the-year romance session did not result in actual intercourse? If so, why?

I wouldn’t say I was relieved. But I was impressed that he would choose to end the evening that way for me. Because usually when we have a special date night or something like that, it does seem like it’s leading up to sex. So it was nice to have a night when I knew that everything he had planned out for me was just because he wanted to do something nice for me.

*End of Part I*

Tune in next time, when Autumn answers Digger’s extensive list of questions. And let me tell you, she was absolutely *thrilled* to see all of those.

FTN’s Top 10 Blogging Essentials

Amazingly enough, I’ve been plodding along on this blog for nearly a year and a half now. I’m in no way a blogging expert, for many have been doing it much longer and better than I have. But along the way, I’ve picked up a few things that might come in handy for a new or inexperienced blogger. Feel free to argue, discuss, or add your own “essentials” in the comments.

The first two or three are pretty lame, but “Top 10″ sounds much better than “Top 7,” so I kind of had to stretch a bit for these first few…

10) Microsoft Word thesaurus - This can hardly be labeled an “essential,” but when I’m writing, I’ll occasionally use a thesaurus to find a better word, or to keep from repeating the same word twice in consecutive sentences. I don’t actually use a real thesaurus, I just open Microsoft Word, type in the word I want to look up, and hit Shift+F7. Voila! Similar words to choose from. You, too, can be a master of the English language!

9) Wikipedia - Reading a blog and don’t quite know what someone is talking about? Look it up. Sure, you could just Google it, but I’ve found that Wikipedia is a pretty good place to go for basic information about an immense range of subjects. Just remember that it’s maintained and updated by the masses, so don’t be surprised if some bias or some questionable information slips in from time to time.
Del.icio.us - I know, I know, with the new Blogger (and other blogs like WordPress), you can categorize each of your posts right on your blog. Well, I’m bucking the system by not switching over to the new Blogger. Because that’s just how I roll. Plus, I started tagging each of my posts via Del.icio.us long before Blogger Beta was available, and I wouldn’t have the energy to categorize all of my old posts if I were to switch over. So this might not be of use to anyone except me, but I like it. Although I guess you could also use it to bookmark favorite blogs or blog posts, if you were so inclined.

7) An HTML Primer - I made my first web page back in the mid 90s, when I was in college. Pages were pretty bare-bones back then. There weren’t any nice programs (like Macromedia Dreamweaver) or mediocre programs (like Microsoft FrontPage) to help you with it, nor were there templates, CSS, or anything like that. If you wanted to make a web page, you had to learn HTML. Now, we’ve got enough tools that we can get along just fine without having to do any coding whatsoever. But I think it’s really helpful, where blogs are concerned, to at least know your way around your template. If you are interested, read up on not only HTML, but also Cascading Style Sheets (CSS) and Javascript. Both are used pretty extensively in the blog world. For instance, the banner at the top of my blog uses a Javascript random image generator to select between five different images.

6) Notepad - Notepad? Who uses Notepad? Isn’t that one of those free programs that comes with Windows, like Calculator and Solitaire? Why yes, it is. And it’s also where I compose all of my blog posts. Nearly every day, I see a blog post that says, AAAARGH!! I spent eight hours on a post, and blogger lost it! Or I spent twelve hours on this post, and my 14.4 dial-up connection died just before I published it! Save yourself the frustration. Type it offline, and then just copy-and-paste. Actually, if I have a lengthy comment to leave on someone else’s blog, I’ll even compose THAT in Notepad. Same reasons. No one wants to type a long, well thought out, witty comment and then have blogger eat it just because it was hungry.

5) Flash Drive - I’m on computers in multiple locations (work, home, whatever), so a flash drive is helpful. Pop it into the USB port of whatever computer I’m at, and I’ve got all my blog posts, assorted pictures, a few programs, and a bunch of other crap that I never use. I recently upgraded from my old 64 MB drive to a new 1 GB drive. Just think, this little $20 stick that is smaller than my pinkie finger holds as much data as an entire nice desktop PC from 10 years ago.

4) Bloglines - Do you compulsively check certain blogs to see if anything new has been posted? You obviously need some sort of feed reader. There are a variety of ways to get feeds from blogs. I’ve been using Bloglines for quite some time, and it is pretty simple. No software to install, it’s just a website where you create an account. You can subscribe to as many blogs as you want, and by going here, you’ve got all the new posts in one spot. Although, if you are a compulsive comment-checker, this may not help you as much.

3) Blogrolling - If you have links to other blogs or websites in your sidebar, you really don’t want to have to update them in your template by hand. Just sign up for a blogrolling account, and put the javascript code into your template. Then you can add, edit, or remove sites at blogrolling whenever you want, and they’ll automatically be reflected on your blog.

2) Statcounter - People have a variety of reasons for wanting to know site statistics. Some just want to see how many people are visiting — it’s purely a reason to puff your chest out and say, Hey! Look! My site got eleven hits last month! And only nine of them were from me! Other people like to know what keywords people are searching for that lead them to your blog. And others like to know what geographic location visitors are surfing from. (And, you know, some of us are just paranoid that friends or relatives might stumble across our blogs.) There are quite a few places to get free site stats. Statcounter gives you a good amount of information, but only about your last 100 page views. If you want more than that, you’ll have to cough up a little bit of dough. Of course, if you want a TON of free, detailed information, you can try Google Analytics. I have that on my site, but I rarely look at it because it’s just way more information than I need.

And the winner is…

1) Gmail - Technically, you don’t really NEED to have an email account to blog. And technically, you don’t really NEED Gmail to get email. You could use Yahoo or (shudder) Hotmail. But as far as free, web-based email? Gmail is the best. It’s not just the oodles of storage. It’s not just the easy interface. It’s not just the simple searching capabilities. It’s a mixture of everything. Your emails are saved as conversations, like message strings. And the most unique feature is Gmail Chat. You can instant message with other Gmail users right in Gmail. No other software. Want to heckle someone in real-time? Want to send them silly emoticons, just because you see they are online at the same time as you? You can do it. They have the technology.

Plus, having your comments emailed to you is just so much handier than having to actually check your own blog.

So what are YOUR blogging essentials?

*Autumn said she’d try to answer the questions in the last post by early next week.

FTN’s Top 10 Blogging Essentials

Amazingly enough, I’ve been plodding along on this blog for nearly a year and a half now. I’m in no way a blogging expert, for many have been doing it much longer and better than I have. But along the way, I’ve picked up a few things that might come in handy for a new or inexperienced blogger. Feel free to argue, discuss, or add your own “essentials” in the comments.

The first two or three are pretty lame, but “Top 10″ sounds much better than “Top 7,” so I kind of had to stretch a bit for these first few…

10) Microsoft Word thesaurus - This can hardly be labeled an “essential,” but when I’m writing, I’ll occasionally use a thesaurus to find a better word, or to keep from repeating the same word twice in consecutive sentences. I don’t actually use a real thesaurus, I just open Microsoft Word, type in the word I want to look up, and hit Shift+F7. Voila! Similar words to choose from. You, too, can be a master of the English language!

9) Wikipedia - Reading a blog and don’t quite know what someone is talking about? Look it up. Sure, you could just Google it, but I’ve found that Wikipedia is a pretty good place to go for basic information about an immense range of subjects. Just remember that it’s maintained and updated by the masses, so don’t be surprised if some bias or some questionable information slips in from time to time.
Del.icio.us - I know, I know, with the new Blogger (and other blogs like WordPress), you can categorize each of your posts right on your blog. Well, I’m bucking the system by not switching over to the new Blogger. Because that’s just how I roll. Plus, I started tagging each of my posts via Del.icio.us long before Blogger Beta was available, and I wouldn’t have the energy to categorize all of my old posts if I were to switch over. So this might not be of use to anyone except me, but I like it. Although I guess you could also use it to bookmark favorite blogs or blog posts, if you were so inclined.

7) An HTML Primer - I made my first web page back in the mid 90s, when I was in college. Pages were pretty bare-bones back then. There weren’t any nice programs (like Macromedia Dreamweaver) or mediocre programs (like Microsoft FrontPage) to help you with it, nor were there templates, CSS, or anything like that. If you wanted to make a web page, you had to learn HTML. Now, we’ve got enough tools that we can get along just fine without having to do any coding whatsoever. But I think it’s really helpful, where blogs are concerned, to at least know your way around your template. If you are interested, read up on not only HTML, but also Cascading Style Sheets (CSS) and Javascript. Both are used pretty extensively in the blog world. For instance, the banner at the top of my blog uses a Javascript random image generator to select between five different images.

6) Notepad - Notepad? Who uses Notepad? Isn’t that one of those free programs that comes with Windows, like Calculator and Solitaire? Why yes, it is. And it’s also where I compose all of my blog posts. Nearly every day, I see a blog post that says, AAAARGH!! I spent eight hours on a post, and blogger lost it! Or I spent twelve hours on this post, and my 14.4 dial-up connection died just before I published it! Save yourself the frustration. Type it offline, and then just copy-and-paste. Actually, if I have a lengthy comment to leave on someone else’s blog, I’ll even compose THAT in Notepad. Same reasons. No one wants to type a long, well thought out, witty comment and then have blogger eat it just because it was hungry.

5) Flash Drive - I’m on computers in multiple locations (work, home, whatever), so a flash drive is helpful. Pop it into the USB port of whatever computer I’m at, and I’ve got all my blog posts, assorted pictures, a few programs, and a bunch of other crap that I never use. I recently upgraded from my old 64 MB drive to a new 1 GB drive. Just think, this little $20 stick that is smaller than my pinkie finger holds as much data as an entire nice desktop PC from 10 years ago.

4) Bloglines - Do you compulsively check certain blogs to see if anything new has been posted? You obviously need some sort of feed reader. There are a variety of ways to get feeds from blogs. I’ve been using Bloglines for quite some time, and it is pretty simple. No software to install, it’s just a website where you create an account. You can subscribe to as many blogs as you want, and by going here, you’ve got all the new posts in one spot. Although, if you are a compulsive comment-checker, this may not help you as much.

3) Blogrolling - If you have links to other blogs or websites in your sidebar, you really don’t want to have to update them in your template by hand. Just sign up for a blogrolling account, and put the javascript code into your template. Then you can add, edit, or remove sites at blogrolling whenever you want, and they’ll automatically be reflected on your blog.

2) Statcounter - People have a variety of reasons for wanting to know site statistics. Some just want to see how many people are visiting — it’s purely a reason to puff your chest out and say, Hey! Look! My site got eleven hits last month! And only nine of them were from me! Other people like to know what keywords people are searching for that lead them to your blog. And others like to know what geographic location visitors are surfing from. (And, you know, some of us are just paranoid that friends or relatives might stumble across our blogs.) There are quite a few places to get free site stats. Statcounter gives you a good amount of information, but only about your last 100 page views. If you want more than that, you’ll have to cough up a little bit of dough. Of course, if you want a TON of free, detailed information, you can try Google Analytics. I have that on my site, but I rarely look at it because it’s just way more information than I need.

And the winner is…

1) Gmail - Technically, you don’t really NEED to have an email account to blog. And technically, you don’t really NEED Gmail to get email. You could use Yahoo or (shudder) Hotmail. But as far as free, web-based email? Gmail is the best. It’s not just the oodles of storage. It’s not just the easy interface. It’s not just the simple searching capabilities. It’s a mixture of everything. Your emails are saved as conversations, like message strings. And the most unique feature is Gmail Chat. You can instant message with other Gmail users right in Gmail. No other software. Want to heckle someone in real-time? Want to send them silly emoticons, just because you see they are online at the same time as you? You can do it. They have the technology.

Plus, having your comments emailed to you is just so much handier than having to actually check your own blog.

So what are YOUR blogging essentials?

*Autumn said she’d try to answer the questions in the last post by early next week.

The Second Annual “Ask Autumn Anything” Week

It’s that time of year again, folks. Last year at this time, I subjected my wife to random questions from anonymous strangers on the Internet. (Surprisingly, there were only one or two slightly creepy questions.) She even willingly answered them, although there were enough questions that it took a few posts to cover them all.

I figure that my readership has changed slightly in the past year (okay, it’s changed a ton, because we discerning blog readers are quite the fickle bunch). So why not do it again? Besides, the last one couldn’t really be the “First Annual” unless I had another one a year later. And who wants to go back and edit the post from a year ago to change the name? I sure don’t have that kind of energy.

So break out your questions for Autumn. Call your neighbors, ask the kids, inquire with that long-lost cousin from Uzbekistan. Have you been wondering what she ate for breakfast? Her favorite boy-band? How many orgasms she’s had in the last week? (For the record, the answers would probably be: a cereal bar, NKOTB, and one.)

Right now, you are thinking to yourself — All of this, for one low price? BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE! That’s right, folks. With the miraculous invention of the Internet, we can now chat in real-time! What’ll they come up with next, telephones you can carry around with you, that don’t have to be plugged into the wall?

Yes, if the advances in modern technology have left you so impatient that you just can’t stand to wait a day or two for Autumn’s response, you can ask her your questions in real-time. Sometime later this week, I’ll tie Autumn to a chair in front of the computer and force her to chat with you, face-to-face. Well, not actually “face-to-face,” but sort of “monitor-to-monitor,” I guess. I’ll put a link up to chat room sometime soon.

Without further ado… Questions? Comments? Complaints? Feel free to direct some inquiries at me as well, although I have the feeling no one is all that interested in what I have to say (“Geez, FTN, you have like 160 posts here, do you REALLY think there is anything we don’t already know about you?”)

And please, no questions regarding the size of my penis. My lawyers and my agent have requested that we refrain from that type of discussion for the time being.

*Edit*
If you are interested: Autumn and I will be around on Wednesday night, Jan 10, 2007, 9 PM CST . Here is a link to the chat room. Password is “toaster,” and then click on “join chat.”

The Second Annual “Ask Autumn Anything” Week

It’s that time of year again, folks. Last year at this time, I subjected my wife to random questions from anonymous strangers on the Internet. (Surprisingly, there were only one or two slightly creepy questions.) She even willingly answered them, although there were enough questions that it took a few posts to cover them all.

I figure that my readership has changed slightly in the past year (okay, it’s changed a ton, because we discerning blog readers are quite the fickle bunch). So why not do it again? Besides, the last one couldn’t really be the “First Annual” unless I had another one a year later. And who wants to go back and edit the post from a year ago to change the name? I sure don’t have that kind of energy.

So break out your questions for Autumn. Call your neighbors, ask the kids, inquire with that long-lost cousin from Uzbekistan. Have you been wondering what she ate for breakfast? Her favorite boy-band? How many orgasms she’s had in the last week? (For the record, the answers would probably be: a cereal bar, NKOTB, and one.)

Right now, you are thinking to yourself — All of this, for one low price? BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE! That’s right, folks. With the miraculous invention of the Internet, we can now chat in real-time! What’ll they come up with next, telephones you can carry around with you, that don’t have to be plugged into the wall?

Yes, if the advances in modern technology have left you so impatient that you just can’t stand to wait a day or two for Autumn’s response, you can ask her your questions in real-time. Sometime later this week, I’ll tie Autumn to a chair in front of the computer and force her to chat with you, face-to-face. Well, not actually “face-to-face,” but sort of “monitor-to-monitor,” I guess. I’ll put a link up to chat room sometime soon.

Without further ado… Questions? Comments? Complaints? Feel free to direct some inquiries at me as well, although I have the feeling no one is all that interested in what I have to say (“Geez, FTN, you have like 160 posts here, do you REALLY think there is anything we don’t already know about you?”)

And please, no questions regarding the size of my penis. My lawyers and my agent have requested that we refrain from that type of discussion for the time being.

*Edit*
If you are interested: Autumn and I will be around on Wednesday night, Jan 10, 2007, 9 PM CST . Here is a link to the chat room. Password is “toaster,” and then click on “join chat.”

Premarital Counseling: How Big is YOUR Truck?

Some people are happy to go see a therapist. Some people avoid therapy or counseling like the plague. And some go because they are forced.

Many churches have some premarital counseling as a requirement for getting married there. In some cases, that just means meeting with the pastor a time or two. And in some cases, like mine, it means an entire day in a comical group setting with a leader who seems to think he’s a Tony Robbins-esque motivational speaker.

Autumn and I met while we were in college. The university we attended was hours away from both of our hometowns, so the church we attended at school while we dated was neither of our ‘home’ churches. We set our wedding date as only a couple of weeks after graduation, and we thought it best to get married in our college town. It was sort of “in between” both of our hometowns, and that way we wouldn’t have to pick one city over the other.

It was a fairly large church, with probably a couple thousand attending each weekend. The pastor told us there was a premarital counseling session that we needed to attend. It was on a Saturday and would take up most of the day. We had already been meeting on a regular basis with a guy from our campus ministry, but I figured, hey, this ought to be fun. Maybe even entertaining. Or a learning experience. Whatever.

Autumn and I weren’t exactly sure what to expect when we showed up at 8 AM on a Saturday morning. When we found the correct room, we discovered that it wasn’t exactly a small, intimate setting. There were probably another 6-8 couples there as well, all getting married sometime in the spring or summer.

Like many college towns, there was a large discrepancy between the college students, and the “townies.” The majority of students like Autumn and I would live in town during the school year, but we originated from a variety of cities from all over the country. The people that actually lived in this town were more… Hmm, what’s the word I’m looking for… Hickish, perhaps? And I don’t just mean the southern accents.

I think this difference could best be described by the following anecdote.

A few hours into the day, our Fearless Leader, whom I’ll call Mr. Robbins (he was actually short, bald, and rather rotund, but that’s beside the point), asked each of us to write down one reason that we decided to marry our intendeds. After writing them down, we were asked to read them out loud to the group.

When asked to do this, you have to make a quick decision. You can’t really go for a physical feature, because it might be sweet, but “She’s got beautiful eyes” probably isn’t the best reason to get hitched. Do you go overly sweet and flowery? A guy trying to be *too* poetic runs the risk of getting snickers from the other guys in the room.

I think I said “Because she’s my best friend.” Or something like that. I honestly don’t really remember. I’m sure it was pretty lame.

But my answer really isn’t relevant here. The answer from the girl to our left, however, is relevant. Are you ready for this? Make sure you say it in a southern U.S. accent.

Why do you want to marry your fiance?

Uh, because he’s got a big truck.

She wasn’t joking. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a sexual reference, either.

Although that would make more sense, I suppose.

Anyway, apart from that stunning display of romance, the day was fairly uneventful. We did little exercises in small groups. We wrote out lots of stuff about our partners and such. And we talked quite a bit about our parents, and their marriages. We wrote down things about our mothers and fathers, and how they might affect how we perceive the institution of marriage.

Short Mr. Robbins was right on the money about that one. I really did think about the vast difference between the relationship of my parents, and the relationship of Autumn’s parents. It was the first time I had really analyzed it that much. What she saw as “marriage” from growing up, I believe, was miles away from what I saw as “marriage.” That’s not to say she didn’t know a good marriage from a bad one, I’m just saying that our parents (and their relationship with one another, if they have one) have a major impact on how we turn out, whether we like it or not.

I think that children of bad marriages or divorce have to work a little bit harder to overcome that impression that has been made upon them.

Anyway, I can’t say as that this experience was really “premarital counseling,” honestly. It was more like a “premarital seminar.” Here is your nine-step plan to a healthy marriage! It can be yours for only $399.99!

One thing I do remember, however, is that the topic of sex never came up. If I was going to conduct premarital counseling — and I’m sure you’re all agreeing that I’d be a FANTASTIC counselor — I think I’d spend half the day on that subject. Just to see how uncomfortable I could make everyone.